Crazy George always said it is an addiction

Feeling jaded toward life lately I decided to go on Zoloft.  Seems like everyone I know is dropping some kind of anti-depressant, starting to feel left out of the cultural trend. I always lie when asked about depression during the annual check-up. Sure I feel hopeless and think about death a lot, but I came in to have the doc listen to my heart, stick her finger up my butt, renew prescriptions and order lab work.   Maybe talk about my problems with a shrink, but want to focus on physical issues with my PCP. 

  

Can't afford the co-pay to see a shrink just now, and feeling embarrassed over behavior that was largely the result of obsessive thinking, I decided to try drug therapy.  Maybe it can help.

Large print on the papers that came with the prescription commanded one to read every word carefully before taking the first pill. I took the pill anyway.  When you dropped acid back in the sixties sometimes it took a couple hours before it came on strong, with this shit, it takes a month or more to kick in.  Sat down to read the rest of the printout while I waited.

That's when I saw this list.  Point by point it is an exact description of the junk business, minimum requirements for running a flea market stall every Sunday in Fremont*.  One sign of depression is losing interest in doing things that used to be fun. The bloom is off the rose for me in many of these key elements of my life.  If this drug can revive my edge maybe I'll change my mind about retiring from that job.

Print this and put it on the bathroom mirror, keep dropping these pills for six weeks and see what happens.  Set some positive goals for myself.

 1) Greatly increased energy; market day should get the blood pumping, this is show business, got to project energy and enthusiasm. I have been bored and detached lately, really looking forward to renewed interest and increased energy.
2) Severe trouble sleeping; (wasting time in bed) three hours sleep Saturday night and I am up and ready to go.  Don't need much help with this one.
 3) Racing thoughts; planning the day, dealing with all the people, countering cranky customers, keeps the mind sharp - racing is good.  Seems like I have lost a step here lately, sure hope the medication helps.
4) Reckless behavior; (assume this means willing to take a risk to make a profit) this one I have really fallen down on over the past two or three years.  Obsessing about working for wages to pay the bills instead of spending the last fifty bucks on some item that might sell for five hundred on-line. Got to remember that the rush we get from making a successful deal is worth an occasional disappointment when things don't sell.  Will be fun to recover the edge one needs to pull off these deals.
5) Unusually grand ideas; pay the electric and insurance bills by selling this pile of junk, hell yes and more. Here again, I've lost my edge, mind cluttered with day to day trivia.  Looking forward to adding a little sparkle to my plans.
6) Excessive happiness or irritability;  guess the irritability is one of the side effects to watch out for, but on the other side of the coin the excessive happiness that a good day in the market can bring is hard to beat.  We have gone to town on a Sunday morning with a half tank of gas, floated checks and fifty bucks to make change.  Come out of there with a grand in cash.**  Can't get that kind of rush without being on top of the game.  Tall order for the drug, but maybe some of the old feelings can be dredged out of my current state of malaise.
7) Talking more and faster than usual; like I already said, this is show business and the patter is the product.  Used to get a rap going with customers, flirt with the girls, flatter the boys, spin yarns about our stuff.  Make a living with my mouth.  Really lost interest in all this lately, can't really get the rap going at all.  Probably just loss of cognitive acuity that comes with age. Who knows, maybe renewing lost interest in the game will bring back the old line of talk.

Feeling confident I had chosen the best medicine to revive my enthusiasm for market life, I noticed that I had been reading the warnings of side effects, and my list of job requirements for Sunday market are in fact the list of symptoms of manic episodes, part of bipolar disease, which I here isn't all that much fun.  What now?
As usual, I got more questions than answers.  Now I am wondering just what this medication is supposed to do for me.***

*Fremont Sunday Market
**living in dreamland on this one, the good sales days are long gone due to changes in the business that no amount of positive thinking and energetic work can counter.
***Of course, I knew the manic behaviors aren't what we are striving to achieve, but it was a fun writing exercise to lay the market day requirements over the manic symptoms.